oof some life stuff under the cut.
don't read if you're seriously triggered by animal death. I saw it happen and can't get it out of my head so keep in mind that I describe it in detail.
kind words would be really appreciated rn ;.;
I was on call when it started. they think it was a heart attack. he had been feeling very bad and in a catatonic like state for a while before and while they were trying to spoon him some water he just shot straight up and like..gurgle cough meowing? he kinda lost control of his body and then threw up and made this awful screeching noise. they had to hang up and go get their mother. after like 10 minutes or so (probably not even that) of them not calling back I called and their mother answered and said he had passed away. He was only 12. I mean I guess that's getting old for a cat but still. I thought he had at least 2 or 3 years left.
not only that but I've made the decision to put my schooling on hold for a while and move home to Louisiana. I had a bad fight with my father and now I'm just trying to forget it now and move on. need to pack all my stuff, add extra luggage to my flight in December, and get my cat registered so she can travel with me. I'll have to leave the other kitty here with my father. its safer for her anyways. in Louisiana, I can't guarantee she'll stay inside, and there my mom's neighbor is crazy and has stolen my cats before and dropped them off far away. my fluffy baby is just so adventurous. and my dad loves her anyways so...it best she stays.but my other kitty is just so attached to me. if I left her she would die. plus I couldn't imagine being away from her for more than a few weeks. even then it's so hard. shes literally my child. where fluffy girl is more of a social butterfly and is attached to lots of people. I know she'll probs be confused and a bit mournful in her own kitty way when I don't come back after a few weeks. but shes a resilient little girl, so in the end, she'll be okay. I'm gonna miss her so much, but I know I'll still come up to visit my family from time to time so at least ill get to see her then.
life is just really beating me up right now.
i just literally broke down in front of my father
and now im still sitting here? like im scared to leave but im scared to stay here?
he told me i needed to suck it up and start faking it
not to make myself a victim
and maybe hes right ont he subject,
i dont want someone to be here, who ive never met, but they remind me now of someone that ...idk...im jsut getting all these thoughts and feelings and memories of bad thigns that i did and happened to me
and i really dont want that here..and its not strangers fault and i know others close to me what them there but a
the wedding is a day before my bday and its alot??? im gonna be 22 and idk how im not dead u kno
talking sounds dumb im not checkng anyhtign im jsut typeing
my consciousness feels like its in 3 diff places at once
not gonna spell check
im so sorry waterfall
i have no therapy and i need an outlet plz
I feel like I want so much.
I want to be happy and loved and I want nice things for me and my family and friends. I want to be in love nd be loved and be near them.
It's like I exist to yearn. And I feel like I will never be satisfied.
Is what I want too much? I know things cant be perfect but I feel like it doesnt have to be like this.
There's always this inner struggle with whether everything that's wrong is just me overreacting, my mental Illnesses, or if it really is just that bad.
I'm losing what I'm saying and I feel physically ill.