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oof some life stuff under the cut.

don't read if you're seriously triggered by animal death. I saw it happen and can't get it out of my head so keep in mind that I describe it in detail.

kind words would be really appreciated rn ;.;

its been a hard couple of months. I'm relapsing into some deep depression and developing new disorders I thought i was safe from? also tonight my best friend's cat died.

I was on call when it started. they think it was a heart attack. he had been feeling very bad and in a catatonic like state for a while before and while they were trying to spoon him some water he just shot straight up and like..gurgle cough meowing? he kinda lost control of his body and then threw up and made this awful screeching noise. they had to hang up and go get their mother. after like 10 minutes or so (probably not even that) of them not calling back I called and their mother answered and said he had passed away. He was only 12. I mean I guess that's getting old for a cat but still. I thought he had at least 2 or 3 years left.

not only that but I've made the decision to put my schooling on hold for a while and move home to Louisiana. I had a bad fight with my father and now I'm just trying to forget it now and move on. need to pack all my stuff, add extra luggage to my flight in December, and get my cat registered so she can travel with me. I'll have to leave the other kitty here with my father. its safer for her anyways. in Louisiana, I can't guarantee she'll stay inside, and there my mom's neighbor is crazy and has stolen my cats before and dropped them off far away. my fluffy baby is just so adventurous. and my dad loves her anyways so...it best she stays.but my other kitty is just so attached to me. if I left her she would die. plus I couldn't imagine being away from her for more than a few weeks. even then it's so hard. shes literally my child. where fluffy girl is more of a social butterfly and is attached to lots of people. I know she'll probs be confused and a bit mournful in her own kitty way when I don't come back after a few weeks. but shes a resilient little girl, so in the end, she'll be okay. I'm gonna miss her so much, but I know I'll still come up to visit my family from time to time so at least ill get to see her then.

life is just really beating me up right now.


ive been off lately

but hey i lost 6 pounds in 2 weeks so yeethaw


i think im spending too much time on my old tumblr.

made a new blog for tracking my health on there since i cant on here and the proana tag is gonna get me e.e

dont worry im okay, im still eating like 1200-1300 cals a day so im not starving but oof. seeing some of these girls, guys, nb folk doing only 400 or less a day makes me feel FAT. gotta remember that 400 cals is such a little amount. not trying to develop an eating disorder


On Saturday I was at 234 lbs

Today I'm at 231.6 lbs

I'm so fucking happy I could cry. Everything I'm doing is gonna pay off!


Starting new diet stuff. Only 500 -800 calories a day with fasting days randomly in between. Lots of excersizing. Gotta drop like 30 to 40 pounds by January


i just literally broke down in front of my father

and now im still sitting here? like im scared to leave but im scared to stay here?

he told me i needed to suck it up and start faking it

not to make myself a victim

and maybe hes right ont he subject,

i dont want someone to be here, who ive never met, but they remind me now of someone that ...idk...im jsut getting all these thoughts and feelings and memories of bad thigns that i did and happened to me

and i really dont want that here..and its not strangers fault and i know others close to me what them there but a

the wedding is a day before my bday and its alot??? im gonna be 22 and idk how im not dead u kno

talking sounds dumb im not checkng anyhtign im jsut typeing

my consciousness feels like its in 3 diff places at once

not gonna spell check

bad feels

im so sorry waterfall

i have no therapy and i need an outlet plz


I'm swinging and thinking

Lost and feeling

Undecided on most everything

Determining the inkling

Who is wanted and needed

Most all are conceited

My inner optimist demanded

No omens succeeded

An icoherent mess

Tingling boney carcass

Stinking bodies will assess

Peeling off the dress


so my coworkers were talking about sports stuff and how for womens (Olympics I think?) sports they're trying to do some sort of test to say that people with a testosterone level of a certain amount cant compete and how it led one athlete to find out she was intersex.

at first, listening into the convo I was super nervous cause they kept throwing around terms like hermaphrodite and transgender and that's all I caught. but as I was listening I realized they were trying to figure out the term intersex. so I like, went over and told them and defined it for them and they were like " oh that's so cool I didn't know that the right term was intersex and not a hermaphrodite" and like "they're trying to ban that girl for her testosterone levels and she can't help that".

I don't really know what woman or sport they were talking about, but I'm happy that I was able to teach them the term intersex and that intersex is not hermaphrodite.


"diet" stuff under the cut

aaaaaAAAAA

so ur telling me my gd morning coffee, which I make almost exactly like this at home, is a little less than half my calorie intake for the gd day? I mean, I use concentrated cold brew and then milk then creamer and then like...chocolate or caramel syrup, and its a huge ass cup in the mornings. Like a Venti sized tumbler cup. I'm so upset wtffffff. Guess I'm just gonna start eating less. I'm NOT cutting out my yummy coffee. I literally drink it every day. I didn't have time to make some this morning before class so right after class when I only had 15 minutes before work, I drove my ass home to make my gd coffee.


I feel like I want so much.

I want to be happy and loved and I want nice things for me and my family and friends. I want to be in love nd be loved and be near them.

It's like I exist to yearn. And I feel like I will never be satisfied.

Is what I want too much? I know things cant be perfect but I feel like it doesnt have to be like this.

There's always this inner struggle with whether everything that's wrong is just me overreacting, my mental Illnesses, or if it really is just that bad.

I'm losing what I'm saying and I feel physically ill.


peachy-queer -

Me: *had to do one (1) thing I didn't want to do*

My hell brain: t i m e t o d i s s o c i a t e :):):)


wow thats a lot of tags

i am

very bad place

sad

help


I have a lot of strange dreams. Here's just one of them

I had a dream once that I was a goddess. But not like any goddess. I was the goddess of all things, and there was God with me. We were in this cave of sorts with a giant shimmering mirror-like portal to the mortal world. God would pull humans out of the portal and toss them back in.

God was so tall with short blond hair. I was glowing with long flowing brown hair. God was really cruel to me. He tried to make me have sex with him but I knew it would destroy my light. He got really angry and threw me into the mortal world.

I woke up as a little girl. I heard god tell me that I would live every life over and over and each life I would loose the ones I loved.

In this life my sisters held me down and beat me till I died. Everything went black and I saw an egg.

Then all of a sudden Im me. Im in love with this faceless person. There are people after us. A woman is leading them. They want to kill my faceless love. I run them into a random woman's house. She begins to yell at us but after I explain that were being chased she starts to help us. All of a sudden the house is surrounded and I can hear the woman who was chasing us outside say that no matter what we did we would die. The walls started closing in on me and everything goes black. I see more eggs and then I woke up.

If anyone wants to help decipher my strange dream please go ahead.


Bluhhh

I've been doing so well losing weight but it's getting to a point where any food I eat makes me feel guilty. Like it's too much. Like today I ate a really big sandwich, a whole carrot with peanutbutter, and a big ass salad with meat and an egg and dressing on it and it feels like so.much food and I still wanna eat. Like I have this problem with binge eating. I just want to eat everything all the time. Feels gross. But God I love eating. When I weighed myself the other day I was 232 and then today it was 239..and I know I had just eaten and I was wearing clothes this time when I weighed myself when last time I was online in a shirt and i hadn't eaten yet. But it still makes me feel so bad. I'm still at the heaviest ive ever been. I keep telling myself to eat small. Eat small and better and only when I actually feel hungry. It's so hard to not want food tho. I drink so much water but I STILL JSUT WANNA EAT. God I just dont know how to change my thinking. How do i stop wanting food when my body is obviously not hungry.


i spent so long in the bathroom that the automatic lights went out

my ibs is really acting up. i feel so so bad. and like,,, this is going to be WAAAAY tmi but, you know how when you feel so sick that you vaguely smell? yeah thats me rn. its very embarrassing to be at work, disappear for 30 minutes to an hour in the bathroom then come out looking tired, sweaty, and vaguely stinky :< the stinky part may just be me thinking too much though...


I lost 16 pounds this past month!

Im down to 232!


plum asked:

On the subject of triggers used as memes: one of my triggers is Brooklyn 99 so I feel what you're talking about on a spiritual level

It's so awful. Like one second your watching some fun vines and then BAM it hits you with that noise.


You know what sucks? Having a trigger that's used in memes. Iike I didnt ask to dissascociate every time I hear the x files theme. It just happens!


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