God I am having a time tw for some domestic issues with my dad and general mental illness
I got into a big fight with my father. After 4 days and nights of laying in bed, locked in my room, he sat me down to give me a "talk". To my father a talk is sometimes okay, but sometimes literally awful. He was telling me how ungrateful I was and how I was "shitting on him". He said that I was making everyone else worse with my depression and that I wasn't trying hard enough. Then I started to panic cry and he said he was calling the cops to have me admitted. I screamed at him about something I cant remember and he picked up a chair like he was going to throw it at me. I tried to leave but he blocked the door and I just went bat shit. I started screaming at him to hit me and that I knew he wanted to hurt me and he kinda looked scared. Like I just...my body was going and I was saying all this shit. It felt like I was watching myself from inside my own head? Idk. And when we really started not letting me through like before he was just kinda standing there and I wasn't trying to push through but as soon as I tried to push through and he resisted I just went insane. I bit him. I punched him. And then I finally got through a bit but he like intercepted me at the hallway and called to my 11 year old step sister to call her mother that I was ...idk I cant remember...that it was an emergency?I ran outside after getting away but I stopped and just crouched down into a ball once my father came outside and started yelling again. He was on the phone asking for an ambulance and saying that the last time I did this I crashed my car. I was so embarrassed that my neighbors could see this so I like crawl ran inside and curled up on the steps until the cops came to talk to me. The police station and hospital are not even 3 minutes away from my house. So it was all so quick. After dumb ass cops trying to get me to talk and calm down I agreed to get get evaluated at the hospital just to get away from my father and got in the ambulance. I got there and the took me through the whole check in process and took my vitals. I changed into paper scrubs and waited to be evaluated. The doctor finally comes and we talk. He mistakes me for being a teenager and when I say I'm 22 I just start bawling. Like being mistook for a kid and actually being an adult just ...idk. dmtell him I'm not planning a suicide. That I dont really wanna die I just want to get away and that I couldn't afford the bills for inpatient anyways. He says he thinks I'm not an immediate threat so I can go home if I want to. So I get discharged. I try to call my my bff cause I dont have my phone and that the only number I know off the top of my head but her number is out of state so it doesn't work. I leave the emergency room and cross the street to my college cause it's right there. I'm not technically dropped out yet so I still have my password stuff. I log into a computer in an empty classroom and get on face book. Immediately blocking my stepmom and dad before they can see I'm active. I talk to my.mom and bff. Then I text my sister and she says she can come get me. I have her take me back to my house to grab some stuff. I wanted to get in and out as quickly as I could but I opened the door and my dad and stepmother were standing right there. So I tried to push passed as fast as I could to avoid anything and I slipped down the stairs. I bruised my ass, back, and elbow. My dad asked if I was ok and because it hurt so bad and I was already so immensely upset I started crying g. He just yelled at me and said it was my own fault and that I needed to pay more attention and the. he went in the garage. I went in my room and cuddled my cat for a moment and packed a bag as fast as i could. My sister came in to see if i was okay because my stepmom told her i fell down the stairs. And then i left. And i spent Halloween with my sister and her kids and fiance. And I'm still here with them. And now idk what to do with my life. I have an opportunity to move back to my home in Louisiana but there has many problems too. Idk
TLDR; me and my dad had a spat and now I may be moving back to my mother's 6 states away in the next week or 2 months. Idk. Theres difficult decisions to be made and I'm not ok
i just literally broke down in front of my father
and now im still sitting here? like im scared to leave but im scared to stay here?
he told me i needed to suck it up and start faking it
not to make myself a victim
and maybe hes right ont he subject,
i dont want someone to be here, who ive never met, but they remind me now of someone that ...idk...im jsut getting all these thoughts and feelings and memories of bad thigns that i did and happened to me
and i really dont want that here..and its not strangers fault and i know others close to me what them there but a
the wedding is a day before my bday and its alot??? im gonna be 22 and idk how im not dead u kno
talking sounds dumb im not checkng anyhtign im jsut typeing
my consciousness feels like its in 3 diff places at once
not gonna spell check
im so sorry waterfall
i have no therapy and i need an outlet plz
I'm swinging and thinking
Lost and feeling
Undecided on most everything
Determining the inkling
Who is wanted and needed
Most all are conceited
My inner optimist demanded
No omens succeeded
An icoherent mess
Tingling boney carcass
Stinking bodies will assess
Peeling off the dress
#Tw #Dnr #poem #I'm sick and I'm listening to many thoughts at once #nothing I post today will make sense #but later i may go through and use some of this for actual song building #I'm mostly okay #i just have fever i think #I'll tag these as tw just in case my dissascociation and werid....what ever is going rn bothers anyone2 notes
I feel like I want so much.
I want to be happy and loved and I want nice things for me and my family and friends. I want to be in love nd be loved and be near them.
It's like I exist to yearn. And I feel like I will never be satisfied.
Is what I want too much? I know things cant be perfect but I feel like it doesnt have to be like this.
There's always this inner struggle with whether everything that's wrong is just me overreacting, my mental Illnesses, or if it really is just that bad.
I'm losing what I'm saying and I feel physically ill.