oof some life stuff under the cut.
don't read if you're seriously triggered by animal death. I saw it happen and can't get it out of my head so keep in mind that I describe it in detail.
kind words would be really appreciated rn ;.;
I was on call when it started. they think it was a heart attack. he had been feeling very bad and in a catatonic like state for a while before and while they were trying to spoon him some water he just shot straight up and like..gurgle cough meowing? he kinda lost control of his body and then threw up and made this awful screeching noise. they had to hang up and go get their mother. after like 10 minutes or so (probably not even that) of them not calling back I called and their mother answered and said he had passed away. He was only 12. I mean I guess that's getting old for a cat but still. I thought he had at least 2 or 3 years left.
not only that but I've made the decision to put my schooling on hold for a while and move home to Louisiana. I had a bad fight with my father and now I'm just trying to forget it now and move on. need to pack all my stuff, add extra luggage to my flight in December, and get my cat registered so she can travel with me. I'll have to leave the other kitty here with my father. its safer for her anyways. in Louisiana, I can't guarantee she'll stay inside, and there my mom's neighbor is crazy and has stolen my cats before and dropped them off far away. my fluffy baby is just so adventurous. and my dad loves her anyways so...it best she stays.but my other kitty is just so attached to me. if I left her she would die. plus I couldn't imagine being away from her for more than a few weeks. even then it's so hard. shes literally my child. where fluffy girl is more of a social butterfly and is attached to lots of people. I know she'll probs be confused and a bit mournful in her own kitty way when I don't come back after a few weeks. but shes a resilient little girl, so in the end, she'll be okay. I'm gonna miss her so much, but I know I'll still come up to visit my family from time to time so at least ill get to see her then.
life is just really beating me up right now.
God I am having a time tw for some domestic issues with my dad and general mental illness
I got into a big fight with my father. After 4 days and nights of laying in bed, locked in my room, he sat me down to give me a "talk". To my father a talk is sometimes okay, but sometimes literally awful. He was telling me how ungrateful I was and how I was "shitting on him". He said that I was making everyone else worse with my depression and that I wasn't trying hard enough. Then I started to panic cry and he said he was calling the cops to have me admitted. I screamed at him about something I cant remember and he picked up a chair like he was going to throw it at me. I tried to leave but he blocked the door and I just went bat shit. I started screaming at him to hit me and that I knew he wanted to hurt me and he kinda looked scared. Like I just...my body was going and I was saying all this shit. It felt like I was watching myself from inside my own head? Idk. And when we really started not letting me through like before he was just kinda standing there and I wasn't trying to push through but as soon as I tried to push through and he resisted I just went insane. I bit him. I punched him. And then I finally got through a bit but he like intercepted me at the hallway and called to my 11 year old step sister to call her mother that I was ...idk I cant remember...that it was an emergency?I ran outside after getting away but I stopped and just crouched down into a ball once my father came outside and started yelling again. He was on the phone asking for an ambulance and saying that the last time I did this I crashed my car. I was so embarrassed that my neighbors could see this so I like crawl ran inside and curled up on the steps until the cops came to talk to me. The police station and hospital are not even 3 minutes away from my house. So it was all so quick. After dumb ass cops trying to get me to talk and calm down I agreed to get get evaluated at the hospital just to get away from my father and got in the ambulance. I got there and the took me through the whole check in process and took my vitals. I changed into paper scrubs and waited to be evaluated. The doctor finally comes and we talk. He mistakes me for being a teenager and when I say I'm 22 I just start bawling. Like being mistook for a kid and actually being an adult just ...idk. dmtell him I'm not planning a suicide. That I dont really wanna die I just want to get away and that I couldn't afford the bills for inpatient anyways. He says he thinks I'm not an immediate threat so I can go home if I want to. So I get discharged. I try to call my my bff cause I dont have my phone and that the only number I know off the top of my head but her number is out of state so it doesn't work. I leave the emergency room and cross the street to my college cause it's right there. I'm not technically dropped out yet so I still have my password stuff. I log into a computer in an empty classroom and get on face book. Immediately blocking my stepmom and dad before they can see I'm active. I talk to my.mom and bff. Then I text my sister and she says she can come get me. I have her take me back to my house to grab some stuff. I wanted to get in and out as quickly as I could but I opened the door and my dad and stepmother were standing right there. So I tried to push passed as fast as I could to avoid anything and I slipped down the stairs. I bruised my ass, back, and elbow. My dad asked if I was ok and because it hurt so bad and I was already so immensely upset I started crying g. He just yelled at me and said it was my own fault and that I needed to pay more attention and the. he went in the garage. I went in my room and cuddled my cat for a moment and packed a bag as fast as i could. My sister came in to see if i was okay because my stepmom told her i fell down the stairs. And then i left. And i spent Halloween with my sister and her kids and fiance. And I'm still here with them. And now idk what to do with my life. I have an opportunity to move back to my home in Louisiana but there has many problems too. Idk
TLDR; me and my dad had a spat and now I may be moving back to my mother's 6 states away in the next week or 2 months. Idk. Theres difficult decisions to be made and I'm not ok
I'm practicing this song and I love it. One day when I get some decent recording stuff I'll record my own songs and covers better. Idk.
Because some of you on here seem like you might need itdonettes -